Game Dev Diaries Season 2 Episode 2

 GAME DEV DIARIES

Season 2 Episode 2

Date: 8th January, 2021
TITLE: All this, just to look in the mirror

 Ten months...Well nine and a half actually, and it's been a roller coaster, a landscape of encounters and a whole expanse of time spent searching, and trying to figure myself out. That maybe one day I'd look in the mirror and say...

 Well I can't right now and I don't really know when. I don't care so much now, it's depressing to keep reading quotes about how you're special, you're not as weak as you think. Or especially those "I don't care, I can make it however I want" quotes. You know. The ones that say it's okay to be the bad guy? I hope I'm not the only one that's seen those?

Thinking in my little world here...

 Uhmm..Anyways. I stopped reading them intentionally, and reason is because personally They apparently hurt me more that they should. I have another source of motivation elsewhere. Where someone cannot touch. I'm definitely not saying it here. Maybe later. 

 What the heck I'm trying to say??? Okay back on track. I struggle for identity had been a difficult time for me. Watching people changing from one direction to another, while I wondered if I ever changed at all. Or thinking if others are thinking the exact same way. it's a twisted loop I know.

"However" I will say

 But in the end of all that madness, this year unlike before, when such would pop up I wouldn't end falling in an astral blackhole of despair, instead I'd not think at all, because I know I have work to do. 

Not homework from the lecturers. My own work and there's nothing more frustrating than doing your own work.

 Being brave to admit your own work in front of others no matter how silly it actually feels. Having the will to finish a project you started. The resolve to make sure you accomplish your personal tasks and goals towards finishing your project. And the ability to listen to the negative voices inside your head and do whatever it is in your power to ignore them. including the voices of others.

Just toughen up You know

 I'm passion driven, it's just how I am. But my lack of self confidence ended up letting people throw me in different directions. It's scary you know, growing up and you still look in the mirror asking

"I'm I a sportsman?"
"I'm I a musician?"
"I'm I an electrician?"
"I'm I a pastor?"
"I'm I a graphic designer?"
"I'm I a Farmer?"
"I'm I a Nobody?"

 

 It's scary, and everyday the time ticks and the fears draw in even more. I knew what I wanted, and I'd like to believe people that that may change but this time I'll ignore you for now and that includes the movies.

 So why would I look in the mirror if I can't define the handsome man standing there? Because I knew the answer to that "Who am I?" question long ago. I just never found the word for it. I spent a long time running away from my identity and trying to create another and every time I failed I hated myself even more.

 I wish I could forget it all but I can't. It's just who I am and so I just live with it and with a genuine smile.

 You might be thinking I'm frowning right now writing all this, that's not true because I can't wait to share with you biggest news I have yet and I can't wait to show you tomorrow so stay tuned. I'm really excited to show you all.

Drumroll Please

 Now for the final part. Cause I'm out of things to say and I don't want to mumble my way through. So why did I start my game dev journey? Was it to prove to others a point? Not really. Was it to just occupy the lonely dark feelings, like some simple distraction.

 Like a drug that temporarily takes you away from the cold dark world? NO! And that's just mean. Or was it All just so that you can look in the mirror again?

 Now who said I stopped looking in the mirror? I just said I stopped looking the mirror for Identity crisis. Right now it's just

"Hmmm...I'm slim but no abs. Need google homework outs today."

 That was a joke...Sort of... Happy New Year Everyone!